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A Pointless Analysis of Bovine & Grass


idahophilly
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In another hard hitting commentary on the lockout we examine the question of whether you, as a fan, would rather be the cow or the grass and explore the analogies put foward by Dellevano...

There are advantages to being either the cow or the grass and some certain dis-advantages. Let's get started and feel free to add to this thought provoking thread...

Setting the stage first, me must look at the over all picture.

We have:

The Owners who are the "Bar H" Ranch owners...

30 Arenas that are the pastures...

Bettman, Daly and Fehr who are the ranch hands...

The Players who are the cows (here is where the question comes into play in Devellano's analogy)...

The GM's, coaches and staff that are the poeple driving past in a car saying "wow, look at all the cows!" never noticing the grass...

The agents, commentators and other folks like that who are the tape worms in the Bovine's intestinal track...

and finally, the fans who are the grass in the pastures...

Lets consider being the cow for a moment, as Devellano asserts. Being a cow is a huge step up from being a blade of grass. We roam around and eat. If in a dairy, people like Bettman play with our nipples all day. People shove hay at us and on a sunny warm day we can find a patch of grass with no defacation on it and lay down. But not all is peaches and cream. On some days we get branded (analogy-we buy a jersey or cap), get an arm stuffed up rear for breeding purposes if a female or worse if your a male (analogy- we have to write a check for tickets/center ice or whatever) but atleast for the male there is a brief happy ending...

But I think the cows are really the players and Devellano made a mistake (250K worth). See, the cows (players) one day will be lead to the slaughter house (retirement, arbitration, ect). You may even be sent to another ranch to expand the genetic pool (traded). But, in Devellano's defence, it is the fans that are hearded through the gates as the cows are hearded onto trucks and into the slaughter house. The fans are also forced to eat what ever slop is thrown in front of them (ticket prices, crappy officiating, Shanny Boy and Bettman's comb-over). But it appears the players are also fed allot of crap so we'll consider that last point a wash...

Lets consider the grass, the bottom of the list. It's the grass that is consumed to feed the cows (the fan's money) and to grease the already greasy ranch hands. The Agents and other tapeworms feed off some scraps, deep in the belly of the cow, thankful for whatever is forced by them. The GM's and coaches are the ones coming up with a new recipes (PP units, neutral zone trap, ect) for the cows when they finally get a hold on thier meat (?). Finally the cow defecates onto the grass (fans) and the Owners and ranch hands look on with little regard, for they know that the blade of grass will grow back to once again feed there cows. In fact, the grass is thankful for and welcomes the defacation (the players playing their game as we watch) as it nourishes the grass (feeding our love of the game). The horrors of being eaten alive by the biggest Bovine of them all, the CrosbyCow, as it reaches down with it's big lips to pluck some more of your tender leaves (hard earned cash) on folds daily. The Ovechkins, Giroux's and even the lame duck DiPietro's of the field all gorge themselves on the fat contracts (new bails of hay) to only be led one day to the slaughter (retirement) in a big truck that will eventually break down (the CBA). And so it goes...

Whether you come down on the side of being the grass or being the cow one thing is for sure: the cows will come and go, but the grass always grows back... I guess Bettman has it figured out after all...

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