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Hockey Traditions that Should Be Immediately Ended


ruxpin
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So, we had a discussion in another thread about the handshake line which brought up mention about other traditions that are silly and past their usefulness (if they ever had that).  I'll start with my list.  Feel free to add your own.

 

1) Handshake Line

It's goofy.  Hockey is the only adult sport in which this is done and there's a reason for it:  it's a contrived exercise forcing winners to lie and tell the other team they did a good job (they didn't, they lost) and for the losers to basically thank the winners for beating them.  Yeah, sportsmanship and all that rot, but when the majority of the players just wade through the line with the rote "good job, good job, good job" it's farcical.  Nothing wrong with individuals or groups of individuals being good sports and shaking hands, congratulating, etc., on their own like they do in some other sports (football, in particular), but eh, I don't like the handshake line.  It smells to me.

 

2)Throwing Octopuses on the ice

Come on.  Seriously?  A perfectly good meal and you're throwing it on the ice?   All the people unemployed in Detroit that could use the food and we're just throwing the stuff around.  Get a good deep fryer or grill and a good dipping sauce and enjoy.  Next thing you know Chicago's going to start throwing deep dish pizza and mustard.

 

3)The Kate Smith Video.

The woman is dead.  Lauren Hart does a better job, is much more attractive, and is alive.  It's 40 years ago people.  I realize we won back then, but let's how about build a team that wins the Cup so 40 years from now we can a grainy video of Lauren singing long after she's gone or too old to see or hear it.

 

4)The National Anthem(s)

You know, while I'm on the singing thing, in the same vein as the Handshake Line, why?  For whom?  First, very few are paying the slightest bit of attention.  No one really removes their hats anymore (except for Philly fans after someone scores two goals and they think it's a hat trick) or puts their hand on their hearts.  And no one waits for the song(s) to be done to start cheering and carrying on and calling for the beer guy.   Plus, hockey has become such a multi-national sport that if we're going to play anthems we should all stand there for 50 minutes until all the represented countries get to play their videos of dead women (don't laugh, the Russian video of Catherine the Great with her horse is really quite good--if a bit disturbing).

 

5)The New York Islanders

I ask you.  Why?  For whom?

 

6)Don Cherry

See #5.  The suits are disturbing and I often feel like I should squeegee my television screen when he's done.

 

7)Announcers in Pittsburgh and Columbus saying incredibly stupid crap after home team goals are scored.

Does this really work for folks out there or is just as annoying to you?  I thought it was just a Paul Steigerwald thing, but in the playoffs I had the honor of hearing the Jackets' guy doing the same thing.   So, a Penguin (or Jacket, but less likely so we'll use a Penguin) scores.  With a guttural voice that sounds like he's currently being sodomized and rather enjoying it, he says "And Nash scorrrrrrezzzz.  Stick a pencil in my butt and call it a happy meal!"    What?  Or, "And Crosby scorrrrezzz....Call my sister and tell her the condom broke!"    Seriously, though, it's almost always stupid and always unnecessary.  Be excited about a goal if you want to, but the Sid Marty Kroft drug party lines need to go.

 

Okay, that'll get off to a good start.  Go! 

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8)  Eliminate the retirement of jerseys.

-- no need for special recognition of players from the past, it's only today's game which matters on the ice now.

 

9) Remove all Awards except for the Stanley Cup

-- The Cup is the only one worth playing for. - No one can remember what all of those named awards are for anyway.

 

10) Remove Fighting from Hockey

--It's a complete distraction from the play on the ice. Sooner or later those that fight will end up with a concussion.

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8)  Eliminate the retirement of jerseys.

-- no need for special recognition of players from the past, it's only today's game which matters on the ice now.

 

9) Remove all Awards except for the Stanley Cup

-- The Cup is the only one worth playing for. - No one can remember what all of those named awards are for anyway.

 

10) Remove Fighting from Hockey

--It's a complete distraction from the play on the ice. Sooner or later those that fight will end up with a concussion.

 

Excellent suggestions!   We can get this sport cleaned up yet!

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So, we had a discussion in another thread about the handshake line which brought up mention about other traditions that are silly and past their usefulness (if they ever had that). I'll start with my list. Feel free to add your own.

1) Handshake Line

It's goofy. Hockey is the only adult sport in which this is done and there's a reason for it: it's a contrived exercise forcing winners to lie and tell the other team they did a good job (they didn't, they lost) and for the losers to basically thank the winners for beating them. Yeah, sportsmanship and all that rot, but when the majority of the players just wade through the line with the rote "good job, good job, good job" it's farcical. Nothing wrong with individuals or groups of individuals being good sports and shaking hands, congratulating, etc., on their own like they do in some other sports (football, in particular), but eh, I don't like the handshake line. It smells to me.

this I'm honestly torn on. I think it teaches kids a good thing and in a lot if ways I think it's sincere congrats to the winning team. But you are right in that some really don't exemplify the spirit of it.

2)Throwing Octopuses on the ice

Come on. Seriously? A perfectly good meal and you're throwing it on the ice? All the people unemployed in Detroit that could use the food and we're just throwing the stuff around. Get a good deep fryer or grill and a good dipping sauce and enjoy. Next thing you know Chicago's going to start throwing deep dish pizza and mustard.

Agreed... Octopi, rats... What have you...

3)The Kate Smith Video.

The woman is dead. Lauren Hart does a better job, is much more attractive, and is alive. It's 40 years ago people. I realize we won back then, but let's how about build a team that wins the Cup so 40 years from now we can a grainy video of Lauren singing long after she's gone or too old to see or hear it.

Agreed but not my town or team.

4)The National Anthem(s)

You know, while I'm on the singing thing, in the same vein as the Handshake Line, why? For whom? First, very few are paying the slightest bit of attention. No one really removes their hats anymore (except for Philly fans after someone scores two goals and they think it's a hat trick) or puts their hand on their hearts. And no one waits for the song(s) to be done to start cheering and carrying on and calling for the beer guy. Plus, hockey has become such a multi-national sport that if we're going to play anthems we should all stand there for 50 minutes until all the represented countries get to play their videos of dead women (don't laugh, the Russian video of Catherine the Great with her horse is really quite good--if a bit disturbing).

Strongly disagree. The freedoms and capitalism of our nation have helped make this sport what it is. Be it the US or Canada, its a tribute to great nations that we can enjoy the games, merchandise, and even sites like this to immerse ourselves in the religion that is hockey. The games I've been to recently, the guest singer gets it started, the Consol Energy Center crowd sings it with gusto. The singer doesn't even use the sound system and the crowd carries the tune. And here, you had better take your hat off.

5)The New York Islanders

I ask you. Why? For whom?

everyone deserves a team... And the Isles have lots of fans despite their troubles! Lol.

6)Don Cherry

See #5. The suits are disturbing and I often feel like I should squeegee my television screen when he's done.

Agreed!

7)Announcers in Pittsburgh and Columbus saying incredibly stupid crap after home team goals are scored.

Does this really work for folks out there or is just as annoying to you? I thought it was just a Paul Steigerwald thing, but in the playoffs I had the honor of hearing the Jackets' guy doing the same thing. So, a Penguin (or Jacket, but less likely so we'll use a Penguin) scores. With a guttural voice that sounds like he's currently being sodomized and rather enjoying it, he says "And Nash scorrrrrrezzzz. Stick a pencil in my butt and call it a happy meal!" What? Or, "And Crosby scorrrrezzz....Call my sister and tell her the condom broke!" Seriously, though, it's almost always stupid and always unnecessary. Be excited about a goal if you want to, but the Sid Marty Kroft drug party lines need to go.

I love Mike Lange and his colorful comments after goals. He's a great announcer and his passion for the Penguins is clear. I don't care if he favors my team, he's my team's announcer.

Steigerwald is a moron. Fire him yesterday.

Edited by Polaris922
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@ruxpin

@hf101

 

1) Agree.

2) Agree.

3) Agree.

4) Disagree.

5) HAHAHAHA!

6) Extra Agree!

7) No way! (I'm assuming you meant Mike Lange and not Staggy.)

8) Disagree. NHL teams seem to keep it to guys that really deserve it.

9) Sarcasm? If not, disagree.

10) A resounding AGREE!

 

I'll add playoff beards.  What's the point?  It's stupid when the Boston Red Sox do it, too.  And what about the young guys who can't get the full on Uncle Jesse or Grizzly Adams going? Dumb tradition.  Better idea...no showers until you are eliminated.  It would certainly keep the media away.  Last man without crotch rot wins. (Sarcasm).

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I'll add playoff beards.  What's the point?  It's stupid when the Boston Red Sox do it, too.  And what about the young guys who can't get the full on Uncle Jesse or Grizzly Adams going? Dumb tradition.  Better idea...no showers until you are eliminated.  It would certainly keep the media away.  Last man without crotch rot wins.

 

THIS!  Really good one.  The shower thing, I'm not sure anyone would notice the difference with Hartnell.  But since the Flyers only go one round I guess the risk really isn't that great.

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You know, instead of octopuses, how do you all feel about simply throwing small children out there?

 

No one (outside of Minnesota) is going to use them for food, anyway.  They smell funny and are annoying so everybody wins!

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@B21 and @Polaris922

 

Yeah Lang.  

 

I do have a question for you regarding that because I really did notice it from the Columbus guy as well (who I'm fairly certain was copying).  

 

So that really does work out there?  I mean, it must or they wouldn't keep doing it, right?   Not to sound like the coast is better or anything (but clearly different, anyway), but I'm not sure that would fly in NY or Boston or Philly.   It might work in Washington, but who would be listening?

 

Again, not saying better.  Boston clearly likes their homer idiots. Philly announcers can definitely be homers, too (I think most local hockey broadcasters are to an extent), but probably not as much as Boston.  And of them, I don't know who I was listening to on the Rangers but he seemed the most level of those three cities.  It's not the homer thing that bothers me as much as the guttural quality to the voice when Pitt/Columbus do it and then the really weird almost professional wrestling quality to the strange things they say.  "Hide your children because the dog is crowing at the moon!"   or "The bacon is on the sliding board, Aunt Dixie!"  Um, okay.  

 

I'm poking fun of it, but the point to writing is just to honestly ask without judgement:  that's honestly considered a cool thing out there, right?  I mean, someone somewhere likes Don Cherry so it's all good, but I ....well, it's really different from elsewhere so I guess just dumbly asking the dumb question.

 

EDIT:  One more thing just because we're already talking about it.  With Lang, in particular, do  you suppose he has the things written down already and goes to his list of arbitrary lines or do you suppose he just randomly has whatever comes to mind spill out of his mouth?

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  I agree with the Kate Smith video. At one point showing that video (after she passed etc) was special. At one point, our winning percentage was through the roof when Kate appeared in any capacity. That is no longer the case. More often than not, we lose when Kate is played, or at least a 50/50 split. So, to me, the whole damn thing has lost it's luster. Let's put this thing to death once and for all. Perhaps we don't win cause we are afraid to let go of the past? When Lauren dies/retires....will the new singer sing over the Lauren and Kate video???

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11).  Remove the Zamboni.  It's an old piece of machinery.  Slows down the game(STUPID INTERMISSION).  Let 'em play on 60 mins of snow.  That's what they did when they were growing up and playing on the ponds!

 

12.)  Regis Pierre McGuire on national TV.  Is it in the CBA that whenever, and wherever, there is an NHL national telecast, he HAS to appear???  Dude has more damn lives than a cockroach.

 

13.) Use of the word "concussion" when reporting an injury--officially or otherwise.  No one follow the protocols.  No one scratches a player if they fail the tests.  They are simply upper body injuries, whip lash, etc.  Kill the word.  Stop trying to fake us out. We aren't THAT stupid.

Edited by DaGreatGazoo
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To add to DGG's #12 and #13 since they're kind of broadcast-related

 

14) Use of a thesaurus in the broadcast booth.  Not sure it qualifies as a tradition but it must be quashed before it becomes on.  Corollary to this is that hockey moves must not be described with use of kitchen utensils ("knifed it forward," for example--think of the children!), random mathematical terms like "geometrically sends it forward" or completely made up words like "skittered."   This must all be banned from hockey. 

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15) Hockey schools

Look, you either skate or you don't.  You either can size up a play or you can't.  No more hockey schools young, old, neo, traditional, east coast, west coast, American, Canadian, European, Russian, or otherwise.  

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@B21 and @Polaris922

Yeah Lang.

I do have a question for you regarding that because I really did notice it from the Columbus guy as well (who I'm fairly certain was copying).

So that really does work out there? I mean, it must or they wouldn't keep doing it, right? Not to sound like the coast is better or anything (but clearly different, anyway), but I'm not sure that would fly in NY or Boston or Philly. It might work in Washington, but who would be listening?

Again, not saying better. Boston clearly likes their homer idiots. Philly announcers can definitely be homers, too (I think most local hockey broadcasters are to an extent), but probably not as much as Boston. And of them, I don't know who I was listening to on the Rangers but he seemed the most level of those three cities. It's not the homer thing that bothers me as much as the guttural quality to the voice when Pitt/Columbus do it and then the really weird almost professional wrestling quality to the strange things they say. "Hide your children because the dog is crowing at the moon!" or "The bacon is on the sliding board, Aunt Dixie!" Um, okay.

I'm poking fun of it, but the point to writing is just to honestly ask without judgement: that's honestly considered a cool thing out there, right? I mean, someone somewhere likes Don Cherry so it's all good, but I ....well, it's really different from elsewhere so I guess just dumbly asking the dumb question.

EDIT: One more thing just because we're already talking about it. With Lang, in particular, do you suppose he has the things written down already and goes to his list of arbitrary lines or do you suppose he just randomly has whatever comes to mind spill out of his mouth?

It got him into the Hall of Fame so it works! I love the guy. Some of them "Michael Michael motorcycle" is a statement when someone does something amazing. Coincidentally it's a reference to a mutual friend of ours named Michael who loved his Harley Davidson motorcycles and died very young from cancer. He used to get very excited watching hockey.

I doubt they all have meanings, but I like the expressions as they're more about his emotions than trying to make sense.

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I like the expressions as they're more about his emotions than trying to make sense

 

Fair enough.  

 

Thanks for the even-handed answer.  I wasn't trying to be offensive (I usually am quite able at that without trying) but really wide-eyed asking because it's kind of foreign to me.

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11).  Remove the Zamboni.  It's an old piece of machinery.  Slows down the game(STUPID INTERMISSION).  Let 'em play on 60 mins of snow.  That's what they did when they were growing up and playing on the ponds!

 

12.)  Regis Pierre McGuire on national TV.  Is it in the CBA that whenever, and wherever, there is an NHL national telecast, he HAS to appear???  Dude has more damn lives than a cockroach.

 

13.) Use of the word "concussion" when reporting an injury--officially or otherwise.  No one follow the protocols.  No one scratches a player if they fail the tests.  They are simply upper body injuries, whip lash, etc.  Kill the word.  Stop trying to fake us out. We aren't THAT stupid.

11).  Remove the Zamboni.  It's an old piece of machinery.  Slows down the game(STUPID INTERMISSION).  Let 'em play on 60 mins of snow.  That's what they did when they were growing up and playing on the ponds!

 

12.)  Regis Pierre McGuire on national TV.  Is it in the CBA that whenever, and wherever, there is an NHL national telecast, he HAS to appear???  Dude has more damn lives than a cockroach.

 

13.) Use of the word "concussion" when reporting an injury--officially or otherwise.  No one follow the protocols.  No one scratches a player if they fail the tests.  They are simply upper body injuries, whip lash, etc.  Kill the word.  Stop trying to fake us out. We aren't THAT stupid.

Stop interviewing coaches on the benches during the game, are you listening NBC. Enough of the "Edward Jones FaceTime" , it's not like the coaches reveal any earth shattering information.

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16) The puck drop. What a stupid way to start or restart play.

 

17) Playoffs. After 82 games, you still need another 28 to figure out who wins the Cup? Balderdash.

 

18) Goalies. Games would be much higher scoring and thus more interesting to American audiences. "Goaltending" is a penalty in the NBA. Take the cue.

 

19) Ice. Slippery and hard. It's dangerous.

 

20) Skates. Only needed because of the Ice. And that "lace count" is really confusing for novices. Plus, they're sharp.

 

21) Sticks. Really? Sticks? And no stones? Break my bones. Show me another major sport that needs sticks. No, lacrosse is not a major sport. Neither is baseball. What are we trying to prove? That we're better than curling?

 

22) Montreal. They claim to be the second largest French-speaking city in the world. Yeah, right.

 

23) Canada. Not a real country anyway.

 

24) Euros. Worth more than dollars? Pshaw. And, of course, we mean real dollars, not those Looney things they use in America's Hat.

 

25) The Metropolitan Division. I mean, why?

 

:ph34r:

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@ruxpin

 

So that really does work out there?  I mean, it must or they wouldn't keep doing it, right?   Not to sound like the coast is better or anything (but clearly different, anyway), but I'm not sure that would fly in NY or Boston or Philly.   It might work in Washington, but who would be listening?

 

I dunno. If Red Barber and his "rhubarb" can become a legend in New York and Brooklyn, anything is possible. Different time. Different sport. But still...

 

It may be goofy to a fan from another city but...it's our goofy. ;)  Myron Cope was just as goofy and he was a legent, too.  Okle dokle!  It's the Cleve Brownies! Yoi!

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@ruxpin

 

 

I dunno. If Red Barber and his "rhubarb" can become a legend in New York and Brooklyn, anything is possible. Different time. Different sport. But still...

 

It may be goofy to a fan from another city but...it's our goofy. ;)  Myron Cope was just as goofy and he was a legent, too.  Okle dokle!  It's the Cleve Brownies! Yoi!

 

Besides, it's not like they've sold off the goal scoring to a company that requires them to mention their name after every goal.

 

Is it?

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