sarsippius

Nobody does smarm like the Onion (and Rux)..... 8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live 'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports September 2, 2010 | ISSUE 46•35 Within 90 minutes, the borough of Brooklyn had completely cleared out. NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants. With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "**** this place. **** this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness. By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area's three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn't constantly suffocating them. "I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, **** that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being." "You see this?" added McQuade, pointing at a real estate listing for a duplex in Hagerstown, MD. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den—a ****** den—and a patio. Twelve hundred a month. That's total, not per person." According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow. Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and ****** on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people. In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase "Only in New York" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a **** on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience. Slideshow New York City "I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here." "This place sucks," Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. "It just ****** sucks." When fleeing New Yorkers were asked if they would miss the city's iconic landmarks, most responded that Central Park is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing actual nature, that the Brooklyn Bridge is great but it's just a ****** bridge, that nobody goes to the Met anyway, and that living in a dingy, grime-caked apartment while exhaust fumes from an idling truck seep through your bedroom window isn't worth slightly bigger bagels. "This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 32-year-old Brandon Rushing, a lifelong New Yorker. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant *******. Why would I want that for my son?" "Plus, we're the place most likely to get nuked by a dirty bomb in a terrorist attack," he added. "So that's great. Also, it smells like **** here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human ****, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in **** for like 20 seconds." Before departing by private helicopter, Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke with members of the media to address the situation. "You know what the greatest city in the world is?" Bloomberg asked reporters. "Scottsdale, Arizona. It's clean, it's not too big, it's got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren't ****** insane. This place is ****** insane. And by the way, that's not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag." By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angeles–area residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city.

If I knew Habsguy was Jesus, I wouldn't have let Digity sell him out for 30 pieces of silver....when the rapture hits he's screwed

Too bad they couldn't beat NJ too, 2 conference finals and just about every regular season game that mattered....

Like I needed another reason to hate that overpopulated cesspool

Yeah I missed the whole habsguy saga....apparently he died, resurrected, then got banned?

Always a positive rolling into the playoffs....hopefully Briere does his annual metamorphosis into a goal scorer too!

Yeah this was just another step in bringing a prodigal son back into the fold, nothing more. Not to mention he looked pretty gassed afterwards.

@JackStraw They look like they'd rather be someplace else tonight...rookie goalie doesn't help either though

@JackStraw Right, especially a team full of rookies, just sends the wrong message....Hell even as a fan I can't root for them to lose, I sure as Hell couldn't do it as a player, doubt they could either. Just wish we had a seeding system that didn't have us talking about such ridiculosity...ok I made that word up

What don't you like? Listen I was on the Clarke side of the Flyers vs Lindros drama when it was going on, but I see this as a nothing but positive. What bad things happen when he "comes back"? Unless you're referring to his return to play in the 2000 ECF (which is a completely differrent subject), the alumni game was his first official appearance since he was traded....and I don't think anything bad happened that day, he was well received by the crowd and apparently by the organization. Homer has extended the olive branch on behalf of the team, I say good. Life's too short.....

So you're saying top 8 in each conference, but only the top 2 division winners get the benecial seeding, other division winner fends for itself based on points? I think I like that idea

It's unfortunate that it comes to this, The top 1-2-3 points wise in the conference get the 1-4-5 slots. It might not be as bad if the both of the other division winners were close, but jfc Florida should be fighting for their lives to make the playoffs with that point total. This is what the NHL wants, it plays into the parity movement just like getting a point for losing. I don't like it but we're stuck with it.... That said, NO you don't tank to get sixth. You play the games to win and you play hard. Yes, I might give some guys a night off to heal, shorter shifts to make sure everybody's as healthy as possible heading into the playoffs etc. Let Bryz get better and rest Kimmo for certain. But you can't play hockey a**ed or you will get hurt, literally. Play to win and come in to the playoffs strong.

Hmmmmm....Flyers have OTT Saturday and BUF next Thursday, so it seems WE control your destiny!

I guess my opinion on the Rags is colored by the 7 straight losses the Flyers have against them. Friggin Lundqvuist. Sometimes a team just has your number. Little chance of Buffalo getting the Flyers. Philly would have to win the conference, which I would have not seen as a possibility even before Bryz and his mystery foot injury

You want the 7th spot if you can get there. Matchup against Boston is much more favorable than the Pens or Rags

@JackStraw When the Rangers won a Cup, followed immediately by the Devils, I stopped wondering

Well, if they tanked the rest of the season they'd still couldn't end up with a tougher matchup than they face now, Pens on the road, so I hardly think that would be tragic. But that's not what I'm suggesting. I'm saying if you drive Bryz into the ground down the stretch and he comes into the playoffs hobbled, then you WILL be out in the first round.

@idahophilly Exactly, we're pretty much locked into 5th (barring PIT losing out-doubtful) so let's get see who's got what Also agree on Kimmo, I might shut him down the rest of the way or just give a light workload those last two games

Dammit @Phillygrump, why'd you have to go THERE!!!!???? My exact words to my wife after Supe were "I'm not watching sports anymore, it's no fun being reduced to rooting against teams I hate, just for them to win anyway". That lasted about a half a day, but you know what I mean....

Anything that doesn't involve Leighton is ok by me! Alternate Bob and Bacashihua the rest of the way for all I care, maybe slip Bryz in Thurs/Sat vs Buffalo and the Rags next week to get him warmed up....

I kinda liked Manning in his short debut myself

When it rains it pours. Stupid vengeful deities

Reported Yeah I know that Jack's job, but he's obviously slacking.

The dude blew for 2/3 of the season, hits his stride and now this. Why does Jesus hate me? Or did the Buddha do this....I want answers!!!!!

@doom88 I've never been to the phone booth, but it sounds like the same bunch of dummies that used to inhabit the Cap Center in the Dale Hunter days....Er right, playing days I mean