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Gary Bettman, Donald Fehr and the NHL Lockout's Guilty Conscience


Irishjim
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Bt Down Goes Brown

Hey, did you hear that the NHL lockout ended? It totally did! In fact, after four months of hearing about how far apart the two teams were, on Saturday night the deal actually came together kind of quickly.

Almost… too quickly.

Call me crazy, but doesn’t it seem like something must have been going on in the background during all of this that lead to the sudden ending. In fact, I can almost picture it now

Follow @blogesalming or Dave Nonis will take your job.

Full lyrics after the jump.

Narrator: Meet a locked out NHL player. He's always supported the union, but he knows his career is short. And after three months of missing paychecks he's starting to wonder if the players shouldn't just take whatever offer they can and get back to work. Suddenly, his conscience comes into play.

[Donald Fehr]

Alright, stop! (Huh?) Now before you get back on the ice

You're going to want to think twice and take my advice

Just trust me that I know what I'm doing.

(Who are you?)

I'm the director of the player's union.

[Gary Bettman]

Screw him.

You're throwing millions away. Get back to work and get paid.

Do you like sitting at home with your kids being their maid?

Getting nagged by your wife every day until the games are played?

You should with the boys on a road trip trying to get laid.

[Fehr]

Yeah but if we cave in now we lose the battle

And Jimmy Devellano will round us up like cattle

I know it seems outrageous and you're probably losing patience.

But think about the paychecks of future generations.

[bettman]

Oh now you're supposed to worry about some kid who's going to take your job?

While you sit at home on your computer like a fat slob?

Facebooking Paul Stastny or retweeting BizNasty

Or instagramming pictures of Byfuglien's angioplasty?

[Fehr]

Man, don't do it, we're all in this to win it. (You're right!)

Don't be a nitwit (Yeah!) Or Roman Hamrlik (A who?)

Don't listen to Bettman, he's worse than my brother's sweaters.

[bettman]

You know what Don? We all liked Paul Kelly better,

Narrator: Meet the owner of an NHL franchise. While he understands that the league is a business, he can't help but wonder if the relatively minor issues behind this lockout are really worth the risk of cancelling yet another season. Once again, his conscience comes into play.

[bettman]

Now listen up bro, we'll keep the contract lengths low

Crank up the escrow, and back out on our offer for make whole

We're going to crush this players union, and this time it's for real.

[Fehr]

But you just spent the summer signing multi-year deals

You shouldn't try to go back on a contract, it's not fair

[bettman]

Oh, I'm sorry, do we look like we care?

Alright look, maybe we cooked the books

But think about the money before you go running to Larry Brooks

[Fehr]

You try to walk around like some sort of business genius

But you let him shut you down for some bankrupt dude in Phoenix?

I can't believe you guys could possibly be so dumb.

[bettman]

OK now I'm angry, somebody get my podium.

Narrator: Meet a typical diehard hockey fan. He owns all the merchandise, watches every game he can, and his family's season tickets have been handed down from generation to generation. But now, for the first time in his entire life, he's starting to wonder if being a fan of this league is really worth it.

[bettman]

Alright calm down, relax, keep buying...

[Fehr]

Are you kidding, he just shut down the league for a third time.

While you're sitting at home he's cutting another season short?

Forget your seasons tickets, why do you even watch this sport?

[bettman]

But what if we offered you cheaper prices on a t-shirt?

And have I mentioned I think that you're the best fans in the whole world?

[Fehr]

What a two-faced liar, his act is getting tired.

And the fans all staying home is the only way he gets fired.

[bettman]

So wait, you really think he's going to side with the players?

And root for a bunch of mullet-headed millionaires?

You're either with us or with them. That's how this thing goes.

Are you gonna take the side of the guy who killed the Expos?

[Fehr]

What'd you say?

[bettman]

What's wrong? Didn't think they'd remember?

What you pulled in '94 in the middle of September?

[Fehr]

Oh now you're on their side, eh? Mr. NBA?

Mr. let's put every franchise in the southern USA?

How you going to tell this hockey fan not to desert you?

[bettman]

Cause anything he does to hurt me would also hurt you.

Remember, 50/50? Split the pie up nice and nifty?

We're both going to get screwed if these fans start getting thrifty

[Fehr]

Oh yeah, good point. We should probably try to play nice.

[bettman]

Or at least think up another slogan to paint across the ice.

[Fehr]

So what do you think, should we negotiate for real now?

[bettman]

Yeah, it's January, we can finally make our deal now.

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