Minnesota Wild Satire...early 2022-23 Edition

[CreaseAndAssist]

After two troubling losses where our goaltending is making Trash Can Dan (Cloutier) look like the next coming of Jacques Plante, I figured we could use a little levity.  Enjoy some fun Wild-themed satire.  

 

An hour after the Wild's 7-6 loss to the Los Angeles Kings on Saturday night, in the Wild locker room where most of the players have showered up and left for the night.  Wild Head Coach Dean Evason is on the phone with the door open to his office when he hears a knock.  It's Wild GM Bill Guerin.  

 

Bill:  Deano, can we talk a minute?  

 

Dean: (puts hand over the receiver of the phone) Hi Bill, give me 10 seconds and we can talk.  (uncovers the receiver) Yea, I am pretty sure I can bring them, not a problem at all, I'll see you tomorrow, bye now....(hangs up the phone).  Ok Bill, what do you need?  

 

Bill:  Who was that (on the phone)?  

 

Dean:  Oh, its just the wife, no biggie, what's on your mind?  

 

Bill:  Rough night out there.  

 

Dean:  Yea, it wasn't pretty but I think the boys tried hard the puck luck just wasn't in our favor tonight.  (phone rings and he looks at Bill as he picks up the receiver).  Yea, yes I told you I'd bring them.  Don't worry about it really, I got it taken care of, I really do.  Ok, see you tomorrow, goodnight. (hangs up the phone and turns back to Bill)

 

Bill:  The wife again?  

 

Dean:  Uh yea...always anxious about not being prepared etc.  You know how it is.  

 

Bill:  Yea, I bet, but I have to admit what's really making me anxious is the way we're playing right now.  14 goals in two games?  Are we really playing that bad?  Has Flower lost it?  Its ok, you can tell me because we have the (cap) space if we need to add someone.  But is this something I need to talking to Craig (Leipold) about?  

 

Dean:  Uh no, I'm not sure why you'd need to talk to Craig about it.  It's just two games, its a long season.  I am sure Marc is just a little rusty, but he'll get it back.  Right now I'm just making the last little adjustments to our lineup.  Gustie wasn't too bad now was he?  

 

Bill:  Oh, you're going to reshuffle the lines?  And Gusty, he gave up 3 goals on 17 shots...that's not exactly too good but was a wall compared to Flower.  

 

Dean:  Reshuffle the lines?  No, why?  

 

Bill:  You said the last little adjustments to our lineup.  

 

Dean:  Oh, oh wow...no, not that, I meant I am just making the last little adjustments to our bowling teams for our bonding activity tomorrow at Pinz in Oakdale. 

 

Bill:  What?  What are you talking about?  

 

Dean:  Yea, I don't want the controversy we had last year about loaded lineups.  Who knew Brandon Duhaime was such a good bowler?!?  (phone rings and he picks up the receiver)  Yea, c'mon...I told you I wouldn't forget, seriously just put it out of your mind.  (Bill shakes his head in disbelief)  Yea, I promise I'll have it there, swear to god on a stack of bibles.  Just relax and get some rest and I'll see you tomorrow ok?  Bye now...(hangs up the phone)

 

Bill:  Not to pry, but are you having problems at home? 

 

Dean:  God no, and to be honest it wasn't my wife that was calling.  It was Spurgey. 

 

Bill:  Spurgey?  What in the hell was so important that he called you three times? 

 

Dean:  He wanted to make sure I brought the balloons for making the balloon animals.  But its all taken care of, so hopefully he doesn't call back.  

 

Bill:  Balloon animals?!?!  Do I even want to know?  

 

Dean:  Its a skill I picked up from the guy who was the mascot for the Milwaukee Admirals, he showed me how to do it.  I can make a pretty good wiener dog.  Want to see?  

 

Bill:  NO, no...that's not necessary and in all honesty that's not important right now.  What are we going to do about our team right now?  

 

Dean:  Its ok, I'll have the balloons, everyone will have a good time tomorrow.  

 

Bill:  JFC, I am not talking about the $%cking balloons, I'm asking about how sh%tty our team is playing right now.  What are we going to do about it?  

 

Dean:  After the bowling thing, we have an optional practice scheduled.  Spurgey already kind of asked me if we could just nix it so the guys could go out early to bond on their own.  

 

Bill:  An optional practice?  Am I missing something, didn't we talk about this at the end of season about how we can't really do many optionals anymore?  

 

Dean:  But the boys are exhausted...

 

Bill:  Its been two %&cking games!!!  And if they're f%cking exhausted, then they're not working hard enough during the games.  

 

(phone rings, Bill's eyes get wide as Dean picks up the phone)

 

Dean:  Yello...yes, I will make sure to bring plenty of treats too.  Yea, I know you're still angry how the game went tonight.  Bill and I are talking about it right now.  No, I haven't asked if him it would be ok to cancel tomorrow's optional practice yet.  (Dean turns away from Bill who is starting to look more than a little annoyed)  We can talk about it tomorrow, just get some sleep ok?  See you then...bye now.  (hangs up the phone and turns back to Bill who is just shaking his head in disgust)

 

Bill:  Was that Spurgey?  

 

Dean: Yes

 

Bill:  Is it like this all of the time?  

 

Dean:  No, not really, he just really likes balloon animals.  And he wanted to know if I was bringing treats.  

 

Bill:  Treats, is he bringing his kids?

 

Dean:  No, the guys like having treats when they do these bonding things.  Especially the little cupcakes with the little frosted unicorns on them.  

 

Bill:  I can't believe what I'm hearing, this is goddamn ridiculous.  And I'll tell you another thing, you're going to have practice tomorrow and no it isn't optional either.  I'll don't care if we have to get a bus and take them to Tria myself, because they're going to practice!  

 

Dean:  C'mon Bill, the boys are tired, they deserve the right to pass on it if they're tapped out.  I promised them it would stay an optional, please don't make me take that back.  I don't want them to call me Yeo again, I really hated that.  

 

Bill:  No, they just got embarrassed in two home games.  I'm the f%cking boss here and its about f%cking winning and that means no optional practices when you've given up 14 f%cking goals in two games!  

 

Dean: (looking forlorn)  Spurgey is not going to be happy.  

 

Bill:  I don't care, if he doesn't like it he can waive his no movement clause and I'll trade his ass.  I don't care what you do, make him a f%cking balloon animal, but there is no way its optional practice tomorrow, its f%cking mandatory.  

 

Dean:  C'mon Bill, don't be like this.  Spurgey said if this was an optional one and after our first road trip if our penalty kill still sucks they'd have a team meeting about it to get it taken care of.  I think we should trust him.  

 

Bill:  Are you f%cking kidding me?  Spurgey doesn't make that call.  You do, or at least you should.  You do make that call don't you?  

 

Dean: (looking anxious)  Well, kinda.  Sometimes yea...but I usually run it by Spurgey first.  He normally tells me the boys can handle it.  I told him though, after last year that I want to know what was said and done so we know what to expect.  

 

Bill:  Wait a f%cking minute, what do you mean you want to know what is said and done so you know what to expect?  Are you just letting Spurgey handle it?  

 

Dean: (looking nervous)  No...well yea...in a way maybe.  But Spurgey promised me the boys would fix this.  (phone rings, Bill glares at Dean who smiles...as the phone rings again and again before Dean finally picks up the receiver).  Uh yes, uh huh...uh huh...yes we can do that, all you had to do was ask, consider it done ok?  Sounds good, good bye. (hangs up the phone and turns back to Bill nervously)  

 

Bill:  What did Spurgey want now?  

 

To be continued (anyone can continue it)...

 

 

[bbgarnett]

I've been to Pinz in Oakdale a few times myself So I can understand why Spurge wants to go there. The Bowling, Arcade and Laser Tag I mean what else could you want. My cousin actually won a PSP from one of those cut the line machines there.

Edited October 16, 2022 by bbgarnett

[ClusterChuck]

Fav line "Dean:  No, not really, he just really likes balloon animals.  And he wanted to know if I was bringing treats. " 

[CreaseAndAssist]

No one wants to continue this?  

[ClusterChuck]

BG: Deano, We need to discuss something.

Dean: Snacks ?!?

BG: NO !! .... We're in last place in the division...

Dean: But we fixed the PP !!

BG: Nice, But we only have 1 win.

Dean: The PP is currently 2nd in the League !!

BG: Great, But we're almost last in the GA category. 
(And just gave up another in the 1st minute of the second...)
Dean: Have you seeen the PP??

BG: SHUT UP !! ...How about some line changes?

Dean: Your buddy MAF looks old and rusty so far...

BG: I've got Doritos and Salsa...

That's all I got.

[Alexandron]

BG: My buddy MAF played well tonight and didn't look old and rusty at all. 

Dean: OK, OK. I've got Doritos and Salsa too...

[Alexandron]

 

[CreaseAndAssist]

Bill Guerin:  (Walks into the locker room with two large paper grocery bags)  Who wants chips and salsa!?!?  (Bill puts the bags on the table as the players smile but they stay near their stalls.  Guerin looks around confused....and he finally breaks the silence)  What gives guys?  I thought you liked snacks...

 

Spurgeon:  We do like snacks, but you didn't have to do that. 

 

Bill Guerin:  Spurgey, its no big deal.  If bringing in chips and salsa makes you guys play better we'll have chips and salsa before every game.  If that's your jam, that's your jam.  I'm just trying to help out.  C'mon guys...its me...Billy G...come and have some chips and salsa. 

 

Spurgeon:  Bill, that was very thoughtful of you.  We appreciate it, we really do, but I think we're going to pass ok? (Bill looks around as other members of the team nod in affirmation of what their team captain just said).  

 

Bill Guerin:  (Bill puts the bags of chips back in the grocery bag along with the jars of salsa, looking a bit deflated)  (sigh)  Ok, well...I'll take the chips and salsa over to Deano's room and if you change your mind, just help yourself ok?!?  (Bill walks over to Dean's guest office, where the door is 3/4ths close gives a quick knock and walks in.  

 

Dean:  Billy, how are you?  What's in the bags?  

 

Bill Guerin:  Snacks, chips and salsa...but the boys don't want it.  Not now at least, it was weird.  Did something happen that I don't know about?

 

Dean:  Nah, its not that.  They're pretty fickle about who gives them the snacks and what the snacks are.  Just watch.  (Dean produces a large mixing bowl that is full of puppy chow and he asks Bill to grab some paper plates as he steps out of the office with the bowl)  Hey boys, who wants puppy chow!?!?!

 

The players jump up from their stalls and start taking handfuls of puppy chow and putting them on the plates as they gobble down the sweet treat.  

 

Dewar:  Dude, I love this stuff!  

 

Merrill:  You're the best Deano!  

 

Marcus Foligno:  Deano, you sir...are the man...the man!  (toasts Dean with his plate of puppy chow as he sits back in his stall to consume the treat)

 

(Bill is amazed at how friendly and happy the team is as Dean and Bill walk back in the office)

 

Bill Guerin:  Wow, that certainly was a hit.  I don't think I've ever seen Marcus Foligno smile that much before.  How did you know that was what they wanted?

 

Dean:  That's easy, it was on Snackchat.  

 

Bill Guerin:  Snackchat?  Don't you mean Snapchat?  

 

Dean:  No, Snackchat is this new app Spurgey showed me.  The boys tell me what snacks they want before a game.  Before the game against Montreal it was chips and salsa, before tonight's game it was puppy chow.  Apparently Matt Sells, our analytics guy has an algorithm of snacks that maximize the mood of our team any given night.  No one gives a rat's ass about possession and shot quality stats, its all about the snacks, Its real cutting edge.  But please don't share that with any of your other GM friends ok Bill?  

 

Bill Guerin:  Sells is in on this?  

 

Dean:  Yea, he and Gorg are big on this.  

 

Bill Guerin:  Wait wait...Kevin Gorg?  What does he have to do with this?  

 

Dean:  He makes the snacks.  He is our quality control; makes sure they're right for the players to eat.  Did you know Brackett kind of started this?

 

Bill Guerin:  What?  Judd knows about this too?  

 

Dean:  Oh yea, he and Sells are huge believers in it.  They didn't tell you this, but that was why he was so high on Danila Yurov at the draft.  When we asked him what his go-to snack was, he said Dots pretzel sticks.  Judd said he knew he was our guy when Yurov said that.  Its funny because I remember sitting in on the interview for Jimmy Snuggerud at the combine and that kid said Combos.  Seriously, you want to be an NHL'er and your go to snack is Combos?!?!  Honestly, WTF...no way were we taking that kid.  

 

Bill Guerin:  You got to be kidding me?  We decided who to draft based on their snack preference?

 

Dean:  C'mon Bill, its how this younger generation functions.  They can't do sh%t without a snack.  So their snack choice is crucial to understanding their future development.  

 

Bill Guerin:  (shakes head)  I can only imagine what Lou (Lamiorello) would've said if one of his player personnel people talked to him about %%cking snacks.  They'd be out the door so fast...honestly, I can't believe I'm hearing this.  This is some crazy sh%t.  

 

(phone rings, Dean picks it up)

 

(your turn)

Edited October 29, 2022 by CreaseAndAssist

[CreaseAndAssist]

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