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Letang's Contract Demands. (humor)

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I think everyone can get a few laughs with this one.

From PittIsIt18 on Tumblr:

Kris Letang Contract Demands

No. 1: Ray Shero will tell Kris how vital he is to the Pittsburgh Penguins organization every time they're in the same room.

No. 2: Anyone named Chris in the Pittsburgh Penguins media market will legally change their name to "Kris", man or woman.

No. 4: A full no movement clause that also covers Kris not having to move on defense if he doesn't want to.

No. 5: Not only will the Penguins retire #58 but the Steelers and Pirates will as well.

No. 6: Every home game will be Kris Letang Bobblehead Night, with the hair getting progressively longer throughout the year.

No. 20: If the Pirates win the World Series Kris gets a ring.

No. 22: Kris maintains sole control over all 5th round draft choices, from potential trades to the actual selections.

No. 29: Every game will be shirt off their back night, except it's a fan's shirt and Kris gets to pick who.

No. 67: Dustin Jeffrey will change his name to Jeffrey Dustin.

No. 71: Evgeni Malkin will tell Kris he is score after every goal Kris scores.

No. 78: Kris gets to retroactively call shotgun and dibs any time he wants.

No. 84: Pittsburgh will throw Kris a parade every summer regardless of who won the Stanley Cup.

No. 92: Kris will be in charge of the ice girl tryouts. They will also be renamed "Letang's Lovely Ladies".

No. 101: Robert Bortuzzo will dress in the hall so Kris can set up a snow cone machine in his stall.

No. 117: Kris gets a turn piloting the team plane on any flight in excess of 1,000 miles.

No. 123: The Penguins will add a "Norris Trophy Nominations" banner in the rafters next to those for the Hart and Art Ross.

No. 134: Kris will be paid in Trident Layers gum.

No. 140: Bill Guerin's kids will show up to games with "Kris Letang is my favorite player" signs.

No. 158: Shortly after officially announcing this extension, Ray Shero will sign Pascal Dupuis to a new contract to help make everyone forget how mad they were at Kris.

No. 163: Any player whom Kris doesn't like will be made to take a picture with Taylor Swift.

No. 173: Doc Emrick must refer to him as "Kris Letang" at all times.

No. 211: If Kris gets injured in a game of NHL 13 he will sit out the same game in real life, just in case.

No. 241: When the team goes out to eat everyone will be patient with Kris as he makes his decision.

No. 265: Someone will explain to Kris exactly what it is that David Morehouse does for the team.

No. 281: The Penguins will have someone do all of Kris's laundry in Sidney Crosby's old washing machine.

No. 294: The team and staff must refer to Kris as "Norris" to show how much they think he's worth.

No. 297: The monthly mustache boy will now be determined by a game of Duck Duck Goose.

No. 313: When Kris raises his hand up, someone will high five it. No exceptions.

No. 333: Only Kris can score empty net goals and he's allowed to shoot from anywhere once the goalie is pulled.

No. 354: NBC will market all Pittsburgh games as "Letang and the Penguins".

No. 382: The Penguins will buy Kris a pet baby penguin named Jaromir.

No. 401: Craig Adams has to stop using so many big words, or at least explain what they all mean.

No. 409: Kris gets $1 million every time he scores on the Powerball Power Play.

No. 444: Ray Shero will turn the salary cap into an actual hat for Kris to wear during roadtrips.

No. 450: When the little kids play during intermission Kris gets to play too.

No. 492: The blades of Kris's skates are to be solid 14k gold.

No. 533: At no time may Tanner Glass sit next to Kris on the Penguins bench.

No. 575: Black or white jerseys are no longer decided by home or away but rather which color Kris feels like wearing.

No. 580: When Kris has the puck on the powerplay, everyone on the bench must yell "SHOOT!"

No. 619: When the Pens move into their next arena Kris gets to press the button that blows up CEC.

No. 642: Kris will wear a mic during games and replace Paul Steigerwald on the Root Sport broadcast.

No. 664: Kris gets his own room in Mario's basement.

No. 674: The Penguins will attempt the Flying V at least once every other game.

No. 676: There will be a Kris Letang tribute video during every Penguins home game.

No. 681: Ray Shero will pinkie promise on everything he says to Kris.

No. 719: Kris would like bi-weekly manicures and a pedicure on the 3rd Tuesday of each month.

No. 733: The Penguins will purchase $10 million worth of insurance for Kris's hair.

No. 752: Every time the Penguins board a plane for Edmonton, Winnipeg, or Calgary Kris boards a plane for Hawaii.

No. 757: The Penguins will hire 3 people for the sole purpose of voting Kris into All Star Game every year.

No. 789: The Penguins will replace all Gatorade with grape Tang.

No. 790: Kris's permanent defense partner will be Cardboard Orpik.

No. 815: Douglas Murray will personally deliver an UberTap beer tap to Kris every month.

No. 838: Kris can order Shamrock Shakes and the McRib from any Pittsburgh McDonald's at any time.

No. 843: Free Nickleback tickets.

No. 888: Every time Kris orders a pizza it will be delivered to him by Marc-Andre Fleury.

No. 907: Any and all games in Winnipeg are completely optional.

No. 909: Kris's media guide photo will be chosen from those taken at a team-funded photo shoot.

No. 944: There will be a bowl of peanut M&Ms waiting for Kris in his hotel room on road trips with all the blue ones picked out. Kris has seen the kind of damage the color blue can do.

No. 997: Fans most throw hats and/or promotional giveaways on the ice after every goal Kris scores regardless if it's his 3rd goal of the game or not.

No. 1,013: Kris doesn't play with a defensive partner. He's on the ice with 4 forwards to maximize scoring chances.

No. 1,017: No more Pitbull music at CEC, at any time. Ever.

No. 1,074: Kris is the contestant for all intermission games and wins the prize no matter what.

No. 1,111: The Penguins will remake the movie "Sudden Death" with Kris starring in Jean Claude Van Damme's role.

No. 1,372: Kris gets to take all 3 attempts in the shootout and reserves the right to hop in goal.

No. 1,483: When the Flyers are in town their name will read "****tards" up on the scoreboard.

No. 1,496: The space between the two benches will be converted into a bar with Bob Errey as the bartender.

No. 1,818: Kris reserves the right to wear #66, if he ever wants to.

No. 1,876: For games when Kris isn't named one of the 3 stars he'll be announced as the 4th star of the game.

July 7, 2013

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